Thursday, October 11, 2012

Alone in the crowd...

Ahem... all I meant to write was about the expectations, most of my recent thoughts are around expectations. I just googled the tittle of this blog and what I found was an article in guardian Alone in the crowd what it was talking is about is that loneliness is a contagious disease because people who are lonely tend to react to people around them in less generously and negatively. While I don't agree to that, I agree to the expression on the articles title 'alone in the crowd' only in a crowd you can feel alone. I am really feeling alone in this society, the way I expect to live, and how I am constantly being judged by parameters that doesn't even define me. I recently had some thought about how its to be a cast away like Tom Hanks in the famous movie. He had his imaginary friend Wilson to keep him company. I guess he was OK being with that friend alone. His entire society was formed out of that ball and himself. None to judge, he could do what he please with out having to be bound by the way society works. We never had a free will, though we say we have free will and every thing we do is purely our own wish, still I would say its all manipulated from birth by the society we live in, knowingly or unknowingly. Our character itself is formed by the effect of expectations of people around us. 

"And the God said, it is not good that the man should be alone" (Genesis 2:18) I am not sure why He felt so. But since He felt so I guess this lonely feeling was a primal feeling of Man. OK now I am trying to connect this loneliness and expectation. Loneliness is the brain child of expectations isn't it. Man expects to be loved, understood, cared and attended to. Which when not there causes this loneliness. I am alone in the world because I feel (probably its only a feeling) I stand alone with the way I functions. The way my thoughts are, the way I set priorities, the way people affects me etc. Whether or not I like it I still feel alone. Will the companion God is going to give fill that gap? I am very hopeful because probably thats the purpose of my loneliness feeling.

I am feeling overwhelmed by the events occurring around me, so far 2012 has been a pretty bad year. I am not even going to count the crosses God has put on top of me. If I cared less about others  I could've reduced the number of crosses a lot, Instead I tend to rather care about people I needn't be, or opinions I needn't be or situations I needn't be caring or give a shit about. Again the way I functions are different, I tend to be dreamy these days unlike a Capricorn I am. I don't like dreams, my hopes are my dreams and my plans are also becoming dreams. A life full of dreams and a personality full of imaginations could be like walking over a thin line between sanity and insanity. I need to take life much much more lightly than how I was initially taking. I don't have an year of my life to waste thinking over what I lost, or what people I care are loosing. Look forward Deepu! Looking forward, yes I am. But what if all I see are mirages like how it has been behind me. What if I am a living dream. When I look into self I feel my life is more like a short story by Jhumpa Lahiri. Each chapter gives a lot of to think about,  a  small but deep pain and an understanding sigh of helplessness.

Take care!

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