Friday, February 11, 2011


I am really stressed… for different reasons. And I am not sure how long I can stand this before I turn stone cold again like sometime back. It was not long ago I have become very selfish person and never bothered about any one, may be an year and a half before. Thats when I realized I am just being exploited for being nice and considerate, I was in the middle of mean people. Luckily I have escaped from there to London where i have started thinking again and put God back into where he belonged and I became a sensitive person again.

There is a pressure to get married, its not actually a pressure from others. The pressure is within myself. I am really desperate for a companion and thats one side and on the other hand finding one is a gamble. Being a fare and reasonable person who doesn't like to judge people; I don't like to reject anyone or getting rejected by anyone. Unfortunately both happened during and after the vacation period. This was a blow to my ego. All the my insecurities were hidden behind a wall of hypocrisy which I built to protect myself from excessive humility, and that wall was shattered when my honesty was not taken at face value. I wish I could meet some one (again?) and let that person understand me and marry me instead of this brutal game. I some how feel pity for myself and for all the gals (parents) looking for a groom. I really wish we could adopt the western culture here. At least the concept of blind dating. Its more respectable than what I am going through.

Another pressure is to choose between two rights. Possessive friends can be a trouble and they don't trust you and at the same time they don't want to let you go. They just get hurt and get angry for more or less everything. I pity possessive people because they are very insecure people. Was I possessive? I never know, because whomever I have expected from in this life has given me what I expected. I have got over with possessiveness because my expectation from others have just came down to a mere smile or an ear for sometime. Seriously I have not possessed any one for a long time now. I never had to be exact. A matured relation never would have possessiveness to trouble it. It just spoils the moments which would have brought smiles.

I love reading dramatic novels which involves great family stories over generations, like the book I am reading right now Ken Follett's A Dangerous Fortune. These novels gives me a perspective which makes me thoughtful. How difficult it is to have a close knitted family? By a family I mean not just those who live under a roof. I find it very difficult to build a team of 5 people to work in harmony. But still they have a common goal which is a good product delivery and a salary which they get paid for delivering a product. At least that goal makes them achieve something as a team. But in a family mostly people lack a common goal. I wonder why it is like that. I really struggle sometimes to make my cousins understand how much i value them. Some do understand that without saying and some don't care at all. Its very difficult to break the shell and make them believe that I am also a well wisher. I just wish at least in a family every one looked up to every one for everything and trusted and leaned on shoulders of each other. People tend to be more and more protective of themselves and I wonder why and from what! People fear to say things about themselves, I am alarmingly candid and I like people to see through me. I worry either about why I am like this or why others are not like me

These are making me paranoid. 

"When there's an elephant in the room introduce him." — Randy Pausch