I am really stressed… for different reasons. And I am not sure how long I can stand this before I turn stone cold again like sometime back. It was not long ago I have become very selfish person and never bothered about any one, may be an year and a half before. Thats when I realized I am just being exploited for being nice and considerate, I was in the middle of mean people. Luckily I have escaped from there to London where i have started thinking again and put God back into where he belonged and I became a sensitive person again.
There is a pressure to get married, its not actually a pressure from others. The pressure is within myself. I am really desperate for a companion and thats one side and on the other hand finding one is a gamble. Being a fare and reasonable person who doesn't like to judge people; I don't like to reject anyone or getting rejected by anyone. Unfortunately both happened during and after the vacation period. This was a blow to my ego. All the my insecurities were hidden behind a wall of hypocrisy which I built to protect myself from excessive humility, and that wall was shattered when my honesty was not taken at face value. I wish I could meet some one (again?) and let that person understand me and marry me instead of this brutal game. I some how feel pity for myself and for all the gals (parents) looking for a groom. I really wish we could adopt the western culture here. At least the concept of blind dating. Its more respectable than what I am going through.
Another pressure is to choose between two rights. Possessive friends can be a trouble and they don't trust you and at the same time they don't want to let you go. They just get hurt and get angry for more or less everything. I pity possessive people because they are very insecure people. Was I possessive? I never know, because whomever I have expected from in this life has given me what I expected. I have got over with possessiveness because my expectation from others have just came down to a mere smile or an ear for sometime. Seriously I have not possessed any one for a long time now. I never had to be exact. A matured relation never would have possessiveness to trouble it. It just spoils the moments which would have brought smiles.
I love reading dramatic novels which involves great family stories over generations, like the book I am reading right now Ken Follett's A Dangerous Fortune. These novels gives me a perspective which makes me thoughtful. How difficult it is to have a close knitted family? By a family I mean not just those who live under a roof. I find it very difficult to build a team of 5 people to work in harmony. But still they have a common goal which is a good product delivery and a salary which they get paid for delivering a product. At least that goal makes them achieve something as a team. But in a family mostly people lack a common goal. I wonder why it is like that. I really struggle sometimes to make my cousins understand how much i value them. Some do understand that without saying and some don't care at all. Its very difficult to break the shell and make them believe that I am also a well wisher. I just wish at least in a family every one looked up to every one for everything and trusted and leaned on shoulders of each other. People tend to be more and more protective of themselves and I wonder why and from what! People fear to say things about themselves, I am alarmingly candid and I like people to see through me. I worry either about why I am like this or why others are not like me
These are making me paranoid.
These are making me paranoid.
"When there's an elephant in the room introduce him." — Randy Pausch
5 comments:
All are unique in their own way.Marriage has been a brutal game from years and years before.but still people are continuing that with the hope they will get a person to stick on till the very end.Each and every one of us is possessive in one way or other thats the truth..some won't agree to it but we are.Breaking the shell, breaking the rules is easy for people who don't have dependants but for some people they can't spit it!!some people's rights may not be right for me or for u but for them its right and we can't say anything about it..only wish is that especially girls/women get guts to say YES OR NO before taking decision at important things in their life!!anyway the best investment in a relationship is 'understanding' and all other comes secondary.....
Regards
smitha.
Deepu .. I have to say this , that though this phase might be quite brutal and emotionally demanding , it heartens me to see that there is so much refreshing honesty in you which has also brought out, the recognition to a need ,to establish genuine bonds and connections with people..I am really happy , my friend , I must say you are a lot closer to finding and recognising that much awaited companion, than many people are .. and I am sure , for all the insightful thinking and wonderfully brave attempts ur making at understanding ur own self as much as others ..you will sure have a wonderful fulfilling journey through life with a befitting companion as beautiful a person as you are ! :) Till then brave it through..maybe she is just round the corner ! :)
Hi Dear - I am so happy seeing your this comment here. :)) thanks a lot. My paranoia's are never ending, I am brave in some way, coward in some other way, just that I am aware of it and acknowledge it. Most of the people are like hermits, they are under protection 24 hours, whats the fun in living like that, always scared about being close, being hurt, being burden, being indispensable, making mistakes, being loved... list goes on.. even if she is around the corner i need to find her inside a shell :)
:) I totally totally identify with you there ..and am all for tht approach in life!very rightly said .. whts there to life.. without all the drama! Go on ..go on .. leave no stone or shell unturned and find the pretty maiden meant for u :)
:) :)
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