Unwell...

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

Unwell - Matchbox20 (Video Here)

Alone in the crowd...

Ahem... all I meant to write was about the expectations, most of my recent thoughts are around expectations. I just googled the tittle of this blog and what I found was an article in guardian Alone in the crowd what it was talking is about is that loneliness is a contagious disease because people who are lonely tend to react to people around them in less generously and negatively. While I don't agree to that, I agree to the expression on the articles title 'alone in the crowd' only in a crowd you can feel alone. I am really feeling alone in this society, the way I expect to live, and how I am constantly being judged by parameters that doesn't even define me. I recently had some thought about how its to be a cast away like Tom Hanks in the famous movie. He had his imaginary friend Wilson to keep him company. I guess he was OK being with that friend alone. His entire society was formed out of that ball and himself. None to judge, he could do what he please with out having to be bound by the way society works. We never had a free will, though we say we have free will and every thing we do is purely our own wish, still I would say its all manipulated from birth by the society we live in, knowingly or unknowingly. Our character itself is formed by the effect of expectations of people around us. 

"And the God said, it is not good that the man should be alone" (Genesis 2:18) I am not sure why He felt so. But since He felt so I guess this lonely feeling was a primal feeling of Man. OK now I am trying to connect this loneliness and expectation. Loneliness is the brain child of expectations isn't it. Man expects to be loved, understood, cared and attended to. Which when not there causes this loneliness. I am alone in the world because I feel (probably its only a feeling) I stand alone with the way I functions. The way my thoughts are, the way I set priorities, the way people affects me etc. Whether or not I like it I still feel alone. Will the companion God is going to give fill that gap? I am very hopeful because probably thats the purpose of my loneliness feeling.

I am feeling overwhelmed by the events occurring around me, so far 2012 has been a pretty bad year. I am not even going to count the crosses God has put on top of me. If I cared less about others  I could've reduced the number of crosses a lot, Instead I tend to rather care about people I needn't be, or opinions I needn't be or situations I needn't be caring or give a shit about. Again the way I functions are different, I tend to be dreamy these days unlike a Capricorn I am. I don't like dreams, my hopes are my dreams and my plans are also becoming dreams. A life full of dreams and a personality full of imaginations could be like walking over a thin line between sanity and insanity. I need to take life much much more lightly than how I was initially taking. I don't have an year of my life to waste thinking over what I lost, or what people I care are loosing. Look forward Deepu! Looking forward, yes I am. But what if all I see are mirages like how it has been behind me. What if I am a living dream. When I look into self I feel my life is more like a short story by Jhumpa Lahiri. Each chapter gives a lot of to think about,  a  small but deep pain and an understanding sigh of helplessness.

Take care!

Swallowed In The Sea...

Just read this expression on another blog I am following, 'I have been writing in my mind for a long time'.But I never got the gut to come to my blog and write them down. Writing make me feel better about the things which I can't make sense of. 

I have been thinking about dreams. People always dream don't they. Some dreams are flying so up above that they always remain a dream. They never can be perceived as reality. But some times there is only a very thin line between reality and dream; the bubble of dream comes down and you can touch it and you are allowed to travel in and out of it. Sometimes they take you in and go up high again far from the reality. The danger being, the dream is still a soap bubble and you believe them to be reality. And the bubble breaks and you loose yourself. I need to make sure I don't go into the bubbles again. The more heart you put into something, the more you may end up being inside the bubble. When you share the bubble with some one else reality it becomes even more prone to break, but you just go on and on wandering around in the dream bubble. 

I am going home this weekend plus two days, my mom has been recuperating from an operation, she would need 3 months rest. Last time I met her she was in the hospital and was struggling to get up. This time I also need to recuperate and slowly I will dive back into reality. :) mom has been staying with my aunt after operation, I need to go bring her home tomorrow after doing some tidying up at home myself. My mom deserved a daughter more than me I guess, though she doesn't agree with me and keep saying it was me who always wanted a sister.I could have really used a sister now for both for myself and for my mom. Plans for getting a daughter for her myself is still in the dream space and is now flying much above reality. I don't want to get on to that bubble.

When you are out of a bubble you suddenly feel so close to God, probably because 'When he closes a door on me, he makes sure my fingers are in it'. However to me God is much real these days. 

Check out Swallowed In The Sea- Cold play. 

"Oh what good is it to live

With nothing left to give

Forget but not forgive

Not loving all you see

You belong with me

Not swallowed in the sea

Yeah, you belong with me

Not swallowed in the sea"

Beginning in Bangalore ...

It's going to be almost 2 months since I have come to Bangalore. It was a surprise to me though was waiting for a divine intervention like this to be able come back to India. From the first impressions and from the second impressions I am liking Bangalore. Lovely place probably I should have been here even before. I have taken a small apartment near my office and I have furnished it to my taste and I am liking that feeling of being in your home, being on your own. From here I don't know where to, probably God will continue to guide me through this life, I am sitting on the back seat of my life. Putting 100% on everything infront of me, trusting the driver knows my destination. 

I am thinking of joining Guitar classes, buying an indoor plant and an aquarium (Mean while study and get PMP certification as well :P which is being de-prioritized always, I shall do some justice to that as well as I have recently been promoted). I still haven't been able to take out my camera and go for a short trip. I would see how that goes before committing to another activity. I have always wanted to be able to do something with music. I am always jealous of musicians, I hope the one who may join me in my life know something about music. Will I be able to commit to guitar? I am trying to find answer to that before joining some where to learn. I don't want to do this just because its cool. 

Long Long Ago....

Yeah long long ago I wrote my last blog. Here I am again. Quite a lot happened in my life. Not sure which one of them should make it to here. 

I have been trying to impress people at work, by pushing my limits and keeping only positive thoughts to keep me motivated. I always say to myself that hard work pays; some times as rewards, sometimes as respect. Probably I am not very much in short of both. The understanding of that itself proves that I am on the right track about keeping my self positive. There is never a day I can reiterate attitude is success, attitude towards work, life and yourself determines where you end up. 

I read some where "Life, if well lived is long enough" can't agree more. How can we live well? Thats the question isn't it. I am thinking, every one should be thinking. There are lot of material about it online as well. Even yoga masters would be telling you how can you be a 'well being'. I think, your attitude plays a big role in helping you to be well. Your attitude towards society, people, co-workers, family, spouse, yourself; your attitude helps you find solutions to problems, also helps you be content. Highly motivated people are mostly, satisfied or viceversa and they mostly be successful. But how can a person be motivated. Its again boils down to his attitude, a person who believe hard work pays at the end will be motivated. A person who respects and love his wife will get it in return and continue to be motivated to be in a relationship. Its mostly a circle. A man who is motivated, sees results, remain motivated, sees more results, it goes on. This motivation and results could be anywhere, at family, at work or where ever you play a role. Thats how I think you can be a well being. 

A person with problems, again its his attitude only can help him. He can chose to be hopeless and go to depression, he brings down not only him but all the people around him as he is no more able to motivate himself or others around him. Otherwise, he could seek help, he could learn to fight or he could adapt. Adaptability is not that hard, may be I am underestimating problems as I never had any such a bad experiences in my life by God's grace. But still, life infront of you shouldn't be a consequence of your past. If you believe it is, then it can be altered any day to give you a new set of consequences. Life is born to survive by adaptation from the birth of universe. The whole evolution is based of adaptation. Evolution was for good I believe, so is adaptability. It is all within us.  :)

Fools Die...

I have taken the title of this blog from that of the book 'Fools Die' by Puzo. It was a different book compared to his other popular books. This book is his own personal favorite, when you read it, you will see Puzo in a different dimension, as a person who had lot more to say. The book is about the life of Merlin, who try to see magic in life.

When I read the book though I realized what Puzo was trying to tell, some recent events in life around me has made me realize that certain things can't be fixed. Acceptance of things are very difficult, it's still difficult to me. I used to deal with those things with philosophy and spirituality. Most of the times we try to see life with an attitude, when it throw shit at you; but I feel helpless at sometimes and I see life with a measured respectful smile, because thats what it deserves. I think life has to be dealt with the cleverness of a poker player, you should prove yourself to be cleverer for the tricks life is trying to play with you by being prepared and never to be caught off guard. Keep your eyes open, let your wisdom guide you, and judge and learn from every thing around you.

Leave about the fools and how dramatic life can be. Lets talk philosophy. Don't you agree 'Refusal to think is the worst sin'.So I have become a fan of 'Objectivism' of Ayn Rand. She says 'My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute.' I agree to that completely. I sound selfish don't I, yes thats the whole point. Read along in her own words quoted from here

1. Reality exists as an objective absolute—facts are facts, independent of man’s feelings, wishes, hopes or fears.
2. Reason (the faculty which identifies and integrates the material provided by man’s senses) is man’s only means of perceiving reality, his only source of knowledge, his only guide to action, and his basic means of survival.
3. Man—every man—is an end in himself, not the means to the ends of others. He must exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself. The pursuit of his own rational self-interest and of his own happiness is the highest moral purpose of his life.
4. The ideal political-economic system is laissez-faire capitalism. It is a system where men deal with one another, not as victims and executioners, nor as masters and slaves, but as traders, by free, voluntary exchange to mutual benefit. It is a system where no man may obtain any values from others by resorting to physical force, and no man may initiate the use of physical force against others. The government acts only as a policeman that protects man’s rights; it uses physical force only in retaliation and only against those who initiate its use, such as criminals or foreign invaders. In a system of full capitalism, there should be (but, historically, has not yet been) a complete separation of state and economics, in the same way and for the same reasons as the separation of state and church.

Be reasonable and accountable for everything. And you will be able to find happiness just for being that way. I hope. I want to be called 'A reasonable honest man' when I die. 

Unreasonableness..

Its been quite a while since I have blogged. I was carried away by work and some other things. Then I got a break this weekend in the shape of a long weekend. we had planned to go to Bournemouth beach and some other places around in Dorset. It was a nice experience to plan and execute a trip with 17 people with 17 opinions. I can not completely say I enjoyed executing it, but it was a different experience. But it was sad to realize that there are still people who are not willing to do some compromises for a group cause. When the group is so big we tend to loose a lot of time in waiting for others to be ready. Here also same thing happened many times, be it for getting up, or going out, or having food, people gets scattered all around and they never come back. I realised that respect for time is the most abused thing in these days. Every day we had lost at the least 4-5 hours of good time because of this I think. I was comparing this trip with the Isle of Wight and Wales trip which I planned and executed. They went on excellent because it was smaller group with 4-5 people and they were ready to stick to the plans. 

Most of the time I found myself alone for the some reason. Its not because they didn't like me (I guess) some people still thanked me for making the trip wonderful. But some didn't. Even some people I wished say thanks didn't do that. I am not a saint (yet) not to expect anything. I decided to take that responsibility because I kind of realised no one would do that and to make it good for every one including me, I need to do something. I would still do it but why I want to point this is because gratitude is one thing which is disappearing so fast from the world around me. People think a lot about or don't think at all about saying a thanks or a sorry. Some used to say they are the words which are abused so much. But now they are not used at all to be abused of. Love is always over rated and gratitude was always underrated. I kind of wish the people who are not punctual or make other people suffer say a sorry even if its without meaning sorry, it would make the person who waited or suffered gain back little self respect. It amuses me to realize how selfish people have become. Last week I asked my friend to say sorry to me and tried to explain even to a friend it matters a lot. I think I lost a friend because of that. Its such a pity that relations comes down to dust over ego. Some may argue that even I was egotist by asking for sorry. I would say I was trying to get back my hurt self respect, if I couldn't explain that to my friend then how could the world. It was for a silly thing anyway. Without respect for me or care for my self respect how can some one be my friend. The difference between ego and self respect in my opinion is that the later one is reasonable. Unreasonable people are either dumb or ignorant; or vice versa.. You can't just talk to them. Hopefully there is a reason why they are like that. but as Karl Marx said “Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.”

My humble request to all the readers is that; be reasonable for every action. Say thanks and sorry abundantly. It can change the world around you amazingly. "What goes around come around". 

"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people.” - George Bernard Shaw

Paranoia...

I am really stressed… for different reasons. And I am not sure how long I can stand this before I turn stone cold again like sometime back. It was not long ago I have become very selfish person and never bothered about any one, may be an year and a half before. Thats when I realized I am just being exploited for being nice and considerate, I was in the middle of mean people. Luckily I have escaped from there to London where i have started thinking again and put God back into where he belonged and I became a sensitive person again.

There is a pressure to get married, its not actually a pressure from others. The pressure is within myself. I am really desperate for a companion and thats one side and on the other hand finding one is a gamble. Being a fare and reasonable person who doesn't like to judge people; I don't like to reject anyone or getting rejected by anyone. Unfortunately both happened during and after the vacation period. This was a blow to my ego. All the my insecurities were hidden behind a wall of hypocrisy which I built to protect myself from excessive humility, and that wall was shattered when my honesty was not taken at face value. I wish I could meet some one (again?) and let that person understand me and marry me instead of this brutal game. I some how feel pity for myself and for all the gals (parents) looking for a groom. I really wish we could adopt the western culture here. At least the concept of blind dating. Its more respectable than what I am going through.

Another pressure is to choose between two rights. Possessive friends can be a trouble and they don't trust you and at the same time they don't want to let you go. They just get hurt and get angry for more or less everything. I pity possessive people because they are very insecure people. Was I possessive? I never know, because whomever I have expected from in this life has given me what I expected. I have got over with possessiveness because my expectation from others have just came down to a mere smile or an ear for sometime. Seriously I have not possessed any one for a long time now. I never had to be exact. A matured relation never would have possessiveness to trouble it. It just spoils the moments which would have brought smiles.

I love reading dramatic novels which involves great family stories over generations, like the book I am reading right now Ken Follett's A Dangerous Fortune. These novels gives me a perspective which makes me thoughtful. How difficult it is to have a close knitted family? By a family I mean not just those who live under a roof. I find it very difficult to build a team of 5 people to work in harmony. But still they have a common goal which is a good product delivery and a salary which they get paid for delivering a product. At least that goal makes them achieve something as a team. But in a family mostly people lack a common goal. I wonder why it is like that. I really struggle sometimes to make my cousins understand how much i value them. Some do understand that without saying and some don't care at all. Its very difficult to break the shell and make them believe that I am also a well wisher. I just wish at least in a family every one looked up to every one for everything and trusted and leaned on shoulders of each other. People tend to be more and more protective of themselves and I wonder why and from what! People fear to say things about themselves, I am alarmingly candid and I like people to see through me. I worry either about why I am like this or why others are not like me

These are making me paranoid. 

"When there's an elephant in the room introduce him." — Randy Pausch

Big Five personality traits ...

Today I was just searching on the pshychology of single children :) because I wanted to know more about myself as usual. While doing that I came across an interesting thing probably some of those of you would have came across this thing. Its called the Big Five Personality traits. These 5 - which I am going to describe below - are the big five measurable personality elements. They are these Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism (can be remembered as OCEAN) It was quite interesting to know these things were considered to be measurable traits. I am quoting wikipedia below.

The Big Five factors and their constituent traits can be summarized as follows:

Openness – (inventive/curious vs. consistent/cautious). Appreciation for art, emotion, adventure, unusual ideas, curiosity, and variety of experience.

Conscientiousness – (efficient/organized vs. easy-going/careless). A tendency to show self-discipline, act dutifully, and aim for achievement; planned rather than spontaneous behavior.

Extraversion – (outgoing/energetic vs. shy/reserved). Energy, positive emotions, surgency, and the tendency to seek stimulation in the company of others.

Agreeableness – (friendly/compassionate vs. cold/unkind). A tendency to be compassionate and cooperative rather than suspicious and antagonistic towards others.

Neuroticism – (sensitive/nervous vs. secure/confident). A tendency to experience unpleasant emotions easily, such as anger, anxiety, depression, or vulnerability.

When I think about it I think I am iventive/curious, efficient/organized, outgoing/energetic, friendly/compassionate, sensitive/nervous. Except for extraversion which for me is very mood specific I think I am sure about the other traits. Its interesting to figure out what you are. But again like duffy says (see my earlier blog 'Instant Life coach') don't let your perception of yourself affect the impressions you make on others.

Cheers!

Instant Life Coach...

Today morning I have come across a magazine in which the singer Duffy - if you don't know her; she is a welsh singer aged 26 who shot to fame for her wonderful song Mercy and recently released her second album 'Endlessly'. - gave an interview to a reporter in the magazine. After the interview she bothered to share her wisdom on fear to the magazine as well. It caught my attention and it actually tells not all celebrities are just blown balloons.

She had 3 points to share, below are they. In her own words and then my pennies

Cause and Effect

"If you are a 'cause' in your life this means you create the existence that you want and control your own destiny. If you are an 'effect' you become a victim of circumstances. Try taking back the responsibility of all the good and bad things, make active decisions and allow yourself no excuses"

Isn't that a great way of saying how to live life, the use of the words cause and effect has been so good. 'allow yourself no excuse' even when your life is an effect. Just wonderful.

Perception is projection

"What you perceive inside is what you project outside so put forward the best image of yourself. Also cease to assume that in certain situations you always behave in the same way. For instance 'i always get nervous when I meet new people'".

Again that's one thing I have recently started noticing in people, there are many people who just let their attitude take care of their attitude itself. :) Such people always tell that 'I am like that, Can't help it' that's exactly she is trying to tell here. People assume always they are like that, where as in reality they can be different. Such perception/assumptions you have on yourself is the one thing which is actually not letting you grow out of the mould you have put yourself in. Such assumptions are not good, and one day you would feel, you are a slave of the cage your attitude and assumptions built around you.

You have all the resources

"Although you may not know it, you really do have all the tools you need to overcome fear and get more or less what you want. Look at what you have achieved rather than what you haven't and reassure yourself that you are more than capable. And always see solutions rather than problems."

Some thing which I have learnt myself. People who trust in god rather feel comfy about the experiences life is giving you and look forward with hope.

Have a nice day!

Relationships...

Some one somewhere said relation ship is one kind of a ship which sails across the ocean of life. I used to wonder how can you manage more than one such ship in the life. Whoever said that may or may not have thought about that. When we try to keep the life calm we forget that we have forgot to sail some relationships across. One friend of mine reminded me when we try to sail many relationships be it be lovers or friends whom we give emotional support, at some point of time we would feel we cant take control of ourself. Probably thats true. As the blog title says I am a dreamer and imagine life to be a dream wherein I make all those who need me happy. But however its not as realistic as i thought.

I have met so many people in my life, I have been in love couple of times, I have a handful of really good friends, i think i have enjoyed the bitter sweet moments in relationships. I have realized some things - reinvented - the worst war fought in this world happens inside human heart/mind whatever you call it. And the worst pain i would say is being lonely, being ignored, being avoided, living without hope and love and feeling helpless in front of life. Every one in this world would do almost everything to avoid this pain, they would be selfish, they would kill people, they hurt people thinking that they can get back some hope. But our little mind is like a small small chick, it would be always in hunger for love. Another friend of mine recently told me that friends are part of life but not life. But is there anything in this world which is complete without its parts.

Ok forget all that… today my father was asking me to create a profile in one of the matrimony sites. Yes if it has to be done some day then there is no point in keeping it for long time. But I could fill up only till the last page where it asked me about my self and the expectations. yes i have pressed Command+W. Weird i don't think i can ever do this, its so overwhelming. I feel so awkward to put myself on display like a shirt on a mannequin, i wish i could find my partner without have to undergo this thing. I don't think some one can understand me seeing my picture and my expectations. Its bull shit, but there is nothing else can be done. This part of my life has to come from one website i think. Let me see when my profile shows up there! First response will be special. :) lol

Being Human...

There are some mixed emotions inside my mind. I am confused, some of them makes me tender, some of them makes me worried, some of them makes me confused and some of them just makes me weak. Still no clarity on what it is. But all in all it reassures that nothing is in your hand. Time to turn back to God. Again because of the mixed sentiments I don't know what to do with God either. So I think I will just submit myself to him. 

Do you realize or have experienced the feeling when you just want to pamper some one? Say for example a dog, a cute puppy, you wouldn't get anything except an innocent look from it, but it would just makes your heart tender. Not everyone would have felt that or even would be able to understand what I am trying to say here. Right now I have that feeling trying to get out of my mind. But I am not having a medium to vent it out through.

World has come to a terrible state where you can no longer express a good heart to some one. You would be getting a stare of suspicion instead. I have had that experience many times. Some times you can't be more nice because thats abnormal. I had a conversation with a friend and in her opinion having an arrogant attitude is necessary for a girl else she would be exploited for her niceness. I could not agree to that, being nice doesn't mean that you have to be with out common sense and open to exploitation and misinterpretation. How many of you would smile at some one if he/she smiles at you? Even if you did smile back I am one hundred percent sure that it would be with a question mark on your face. 

I just hope the world would one day realize the value of a genuine smile and a nice deed. A genuine smile could bring a person happiness. Why don't you just start smiling at every one you see. Even with out any genuine feelings if you could bring happiness in some one especially a stranger happiness for a day or a moment by a simple smile, I guess it values so much more to God than the rituals.

What most people fails to understand is what is God's expectation out of you. Is it being a vegan, is it sacrificing a meal or is it doing some rituals which do not make much sense to anyone? I assume his expectation would be to be a good human being, if rituals helps you become one, do that; else don't do it. Being nice to a fellow human being is so much greater than offering something to God.

Cheers.

Gandhigiri ....

I am on the train to Stevenage to visit my uncle and family over the weekend. I have about fifteen minute to write something here. What do I write, most of the time I have been writing what comes to my mind and this time nothing much comes to my mind.

My manager today spoke to me from India he is the head of railway projects in my company. I am not dissecting him here but I am so far happy about him, given that he fixes the damn payroll problem with HR. If you follow me on Facebook you would know how irritated I was about that. From childhood I have been like that unfair deeds always upsets me, if I can't fight I used to cry. Even a small unfair judgement of me would crunch my heart. Even those comments from those I should not mind I take to heart. Someone who understand me passes a true criticism I can take it. If you criticise me it should better be correct other wise you would end up hurting me.

On the other hand I am very much self motivated and self propelled ;) I am that one whom a manager can trust and confide on. It doesn't take much for a manager to motivate me also just treat me fair I would always exceed his expectation.

This HR incident shook me yesterday but I know I shouldn't let this take over my motivation and my goals should be long term. I have a friend who says he would go to court for all these issues. He sees all these with such a spirit. If you are dissatisfied with a company you should not continue. The feeling of working for a company you don't trust will not give you happiness any day. Otherwise you should learn to move on and work on long term goals. I really don't appreciate fighting with manager for rating and money. I mean what the purpose. That's the time you should just quit. If you feel you are mistreated. Or else ignore it and prove that you are worthier than he thought. I follow Gandhigiri on all these matters!!

Cheers

Fashion Nazi...

No I am not going to write about Day 2 and Day 3 in wales. Its not because they were bad or because I don't have anything to write about. Its just that, I feel bored to write something which I would rather just talk out. It was not like the cold play music concert I have gone 2 years back. It was never that exciting. But standing on top of Great Ormes in Holy head Wales, is like standing at the edge of the world. I have got reminded of Pirates of the Caribbean- at worlds end; many times that day :)

I have been just thinking of how fashionable the Londoners are! They are indeed very fashionable, I am not talking about East or South London. Europeans looks very natural when they dress up, and they are very comfortable with what they wear. I think that's what makes them look naturally casual and cool. I have spent time in Oxford street just looking at the way people dress. Some people dress weird, but more than dress some people have real punk hair styles and piercing.

I have been feeling very odd to wear sneakers out side. If you observe, Indians have taken so much interest in wearing sneakers (running shoes, sports shoes, trainers) into the streets. I guess the shoes brands Nike, Adidas, Reebok and Puma are making the crowd stick on to their sneakers rather than growing to the casual shoes like Sketchers or Clark's. I am happy to see that Tennis Shoes and plimsolls are picking up the speed. Although tennis shoes are called so I don't think any one really play tennis in tennis shoes. That's one thing people are picking up fast and which is still cool in west. Unfortunately none of the plimsolls fit my feet. Thumb rule is that no one wear Sneakers unless they are jogging or on the way to gym. OK I don't want to sound like a fashion Nazi or anything, I think I have been following GQ magazine so close.

So wearing a sneaker to the London street was so so weird that I was forced to buy a boot. I even identify Indians by checking their shoes - I don't need a shoe to find that but with shoe alone I can find that. I found it rather difficult to blend in with the European crowd than the American crowd. It could be the way their skin tone and hair colour match so perfectly with their dressing and the way they carry themselves, I always find blond and red head people have the absolute power to look cool just by having a little hair gel. If you have got a good tattoo with red, green and black; it just multiplies the look by 2 folds.

I have been having this thought of getting a tattoo for long time, but I don't think any one in my family would appreciate that :) I had a small argument with my friend about that, according to her I don't have to mind other people's opinion when its not going to affect them. If it is going to make me happy and my decision is not going to affect any one I shall go ahead and do it. That was her point. I liked that also. But how many people would find it cool, how many people would take it as a medium to prejudice me (i cant cope up with current) yes the tattoos conveys the boldness which makes the person go and get a tattoo overcoming these thoughts. So I think I don't deserve a tattoo as these thoughts are haunting me whenever I think about it. Also the tattoo I would have loved to have is a dragon tattoo, which will have religious implications as well. I don't want to have that anyway. So for the time being tattoo is taboo. May be when I have a gal and if she likes it, I will do it. :D

Ciao now!

Day 1 ....

To be honest I really don't enjoy anything these days... I am trying to find out what exactly I am in need of. Is it medication? or is it some body of something I am longing for?. I have no clue. Anyway when my best buddy asked me to plan a trip to wales I took interest in that only because she is one of the things which still makes me happy. As I have wrote down in the previous post I have made an extensive plan, there have been dynamic changes to that which were not unexpected, I am happy that we have decided not to go to climbing and try to utilise that time for some other splendid sights in North Wales.

The day started dull as the underground stations were going on a maintenance shutdown (at my station) which made my trip slow by 45 min and I had to go by bus to another station Which led me to the disaster I want to forget. while waiting in the unfamiliar station I just thought to check something in my camera bag, I didn't take out anything just opened the bag and looked for a strap, mean time the train came and I stood up!!! Damn! My Nikon D80 with 18-200mm VR lens (those who doesn't know how important that's to me - both of them together cost me 2000 USD 2 years back) fell out of the bag (thank god my 105mm micro stayed in the bag other wise another 800USD also would have gone for a toss) to the concrete floor of the station. Later figured out since the optics were solidly built - thanks to the metal barrel Nikon has put - didn't suffer much. But the focusing mechanism is not fully functional :( and fortunately the body is also OK. When I am writing this I am trying to see the positive side of it, I didn't wreck the lens and camera at least not to an extend that I was not able to take any pictures in the trip.

Though the trip started with a bang - I am telling you I was so moody and still moody because of this bang on my head, still some thing keeps yelling at me 'stupid stupid stupid' - my mood took a upturn when I got a look at the train I am going to travel from London Euston to Wellington Bank Quay (final destination was Glasgow in Scotland for the train) it was really like a snake, a state of the art train from Virgin Train fleet (Class 390 Pendolino). The huge lettering on the engine which said Virgin made it sexier to look at. It had a real sharp nose and the doors and all were touch sensitive and the door step flips out ward when the door opens etc etc.

After taking a change at Bank Quay to Arriva Trains Wales (I was not happy to part with Virgin though) finally I have reached our rendezvous point Chester. Where I have booked for an intermediate car from Europcar, which was cheap compared to Avis, but that came with a lot of sacrifice on time. The car I have booked for was a skoda octavia 1.6 or similar, the one I got was Vauxhall 1.8 which is more like van than a sedan. She gave me a GPS which didn't have a holder for which I had to go back (from the car park) to get another one. Then I had set off the journey to the station for which I have taken at least 3 wrong turns even with a GPS which was not healthy at all. But even then I didn't realise the speaker of the GPS is not working. Then I picked up my friends and tried to find a restaurant, that's when it really got on to my nerves. Until then I didn't have a round about to handle. I can take care of the round about only if some one says which exit (first, second, third or fourth exit from round about) I have to take. That's when I realised a GPS with out sound is utterly useless. I have been driving round to match the exit the GPS is showing me to take instead of telling me; believe me the picture will be legible only when you miss the one you are supposed to take, it never works unless you have the sound. So I have gone back to the old lady at the rental place to get a replacement. So with all these thing I have lost 2 hours at Chester. Strike 2

These two experiences and the rain in Chester didn't give me a good feeling. Then we head off to the Coernarfon - god knows how to spell it in Welsh - we have had our own welsh experience with words spelled worse than the volcano in Iceland. Trying to read out the words (which uses the same alphabet as English) indeed gave us good laugh. With little difficulty we arrived at our Welsh home (Bed and Breakfast) which was indeed very appealing and beautiful and absolutely value for money 65£ pr night for 2 people sharing room with a 5* hotel facilities and Welsh Break fast (Bacon, Sausage, Mushrooms, Scrambled egg and Tomato).

First day was more of settling down and everything. Still I could feel myself mourning for my lens. But may be it was time for me to get another lens. Since I do not have any problem in the lower zoom area I think I can live with this for now. And later I may get a longer lens like 70-300mm which would give me more range and would cover the lost range of my 18-200mm.

Rest of the trip was great fun and if I am about to write about that it would take lot of space. But I think I will write something from the trip later. Cheers guys!

Life with out google maps...

I was thinking today 'how life would have been with out google maps?'

Google maps was one of the coolest things this decade has presented us, you can't imagine how it made the life easier for people who are abroad - India is getting there - This weekend I am planning a trip to wales, Which is on the east coast of UK. I was asked to make a plan for 3 days, with 3 people coming from 3 different places at 3 different times. It would be an easy task if the rendezvous was a place where at least one of them have ever been to. Unfortunately all 3 of us have been to UK first time and going to wales first time and I am the only person who can drive. How would it have gone with out google maps. I have no clue, I am not even bothered to think how it would have been, because google maps is something I take for granted. Even with a GPS - which existed before google maps - people can only navigate to a place, you can never plan a trip with it. Again with regular maps, you can only speculate the distance - unless you have a ruler, which at least gives you a point to point distance.

In my case I needed 4 points to consider a meeting point accessible for 3 groups, with the cheapest train ticket possible, with a car rental rates moderate and nearer to the place of stay. This was only one of the things which needed attention. For this I had to find the driving distance, train travel time and the rates to consider. Which wouldn't have been possible if google maps was not there.

Second thing was to identify an region in which we have to stay which is nearer to the rendezvous point - which is as well as the point from where we are going to depart at the end of trip - again as the wales is a hilly terrain, distance will not give us how much time it would take to reach there. Again google maps. So after making 5 calls to different bed and break fast stays - which is similar to home stay in Kerala - I found a place to stay.

Third which I had to do it in parallel with all the above things was to identify the hour by hour plans on when to get up, where to go, how much time we have there, when to get back to bed. Even before I narrowed down the place of stay I have found out 3 places which is around 3 hours travel time from anywhere in the area I was looking accommodation for.

Fourth is again narrowing down on the places which we should not miss, how can I be sure about that, only with the google earth and google street view. With which I could find severel palaces where we could have breathtaking view of wales (touch wood) How much a website or travel information can provide to a person who is driving up to all places first time. Its not like going to see Taj Mahal, which is up there and you can go there and see it. As far as a trip to wales and Snowdonia national park is considered there is no well defined point a person can go and see. This is where you need to see photos posted by other travellers and find out where exactly it is and finding out how I can reach there.

Now we have a plan well laid, unless the speculated rain spoils our whole trip its going to be beautiful. Thanks to Google Maps. Also thanks to my friends who didn't interfere much with my plan so far. :) Imagine I had to handle 5 people who has different opinions on everything. Opinions never hurt but that doesn't help much as well. At least once in life you make a plan for your friends and find out how it goes. I am not talking about a movie plan here. Some thing more than that. Only then you understand how difficult it is as well as how easy it is to stay back and enjoy the trip when some one has made the plan for you. Isn't the life is about finding out that plan which god hasn't revealed to you yet?

You know that I could use somebody....

I have been in a weird mood for all these days... I have realized that I am getting into my own nerves... Then I heard this song which really reflected on me... I could use somebody... Check the song from one of my recent favorites Kings of Leon.

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see

---- Some body by Kings of Leon

Video for the same is here

Palm Sunday ...

Wish you all a happy palm Sunday.

After coming to London I didn't try to find a church where I can go for mass. Today being palm Sunday I have taken some effort to go to church. So got ready and packed my camera and set for st.pauls cathedral, didn't want to go anything smaller than the cathedral itself as it's my first visit to a church in london. I reached there as per plan twelve o'clock noon. There was supposed to be one service that time. But I saw the ending of the previous mass only. The cathedral was humongous, and that's where all the royal ceremonies including prince Charles's both wedding and everything happened. The church had huge wind pipes for the piano that too sterio both sides of the church had different set of vents and all. I don't know how it works but it was really amazing to hear to the music it produced.

After collecting palm I stepped out thinking about taking some pics. But unfortunately I realized that I have left the memory card at home. I was really pissed not only because of not able to take pics but also for the weight of unusable equipment I need to carry all the way.

Later I thought I would catch a movie at leciester square odeon. But both the movies I wanted to see were not running anywhere near. I wanted to see shutter island or up in the air. But I managed to see paparazzi waiting at the theatre for some celebs. It was an interesting scene. Around ten photographers with one or more high end cameras and power pack and flashes etc. They took snaps of some people I didn't recognise. First time seeing flood of flash lights like that :)

After that I walked towards Soho thinking to see some babes from any of the clubs there. Unfortunately that also siding materialize, either I didn't know where to go or I was just unlucky again. So I ended up again in oxford street. Till now have been looking for a shoe and didn't get lucky. I have a weird shaped feet which doesn't fit into any of the plimsole shoes I want to buy. I am so damn tired and sipping a coffee inside debenhams now. Will leave soon to home but only after a margarita!

Cheers

Sent from my iPhone

Blogging from phone experience...

Ok so you might have understood that I have got a high end phone which makes me blog on the go. :) yes it's pretty cool.

Life in London seems to be boring so far. My idea was to have fun as far as I can. Now my stay here became uncertain. Thanks to the clients idea of opening their office in India and send me there. I am actually not mad about that if I get atleast three months here. I just want to see some places here. My agenda of being here ends by that.

I will keep you posted

Sent from my iPhone

Impressing ourself...

Have you realized most of the time you are trying hard to impress no one but yourself. That is this part which takes the most effort. Because the mind of our own, set a difficult benchmark for yourself most of the time. This may sound as crazy as it sounds. But let me tell you one thing, haven't you heard an inner voice which keep saying (in my case) I should have behaved better, I was wrong, I need to improve etc etc. You may try to reflect this voice and fail that's when (in Green day's opinion) your mind breaks the spirit of our soul. Yes this is a very voluntary activity. But i happen to participate this breaking part most of the time.

This is a nice song; thought i would share it... it reflects my mind right now (please don't mistake it with love, but yes its about expectations in my case)

21 Guns by Green Day

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I