Unwell...

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

Unwell - Matchbox20 (Video Here)

Alone in the crowd...

Ahem... all I meant to write was about the expectations, most of my recent thoughts are around expectations. I just googled the tittle of this blog and what I found was an article in guardian Alone in the crowd what it was talking is about is that loneliness is a contagious disease because people who are lonely tend to react to people around them in less generously and negatively. While I don't agree to that, I agree to the expression on the articles title 'alone in the crowd' only in a crowd you can feel alone. I am really feeling alone in this society, the way I expect to live, and how I am constantly being judged by parameters that doesn't even define me. I recently had some thought about how its to be a cast away like Tom Hanks in the famous movie. He had his imaginary friend Wilson to keep him company. I guess he was OK being with that friend alone. His entire society was formed out of that ball and himself. None to judge, he could do what he please with out having to be bound by the way society works. We never had a free will, though we say we have free will and every thing we do is purely our own wish, still I would say its all manipulated from birth by the society we live in, knowingly or unknowingly. Our character itself is formed by the effect of expectations of people around us. 

"And the God said, it is not good that the man should be alone" (Genesis 2:18) I am not sure why He felt so. But since He felt so I guess this lonely feeling was a primal feeling of Man. OK now I am trying to connect this loneliness and expectation. Loneliness is the brain child of expectations isn't it. Man expects to be loved, understood, cared and attended to. Which when not there causes this loneliness. I am alone in the world because I feel (probably its only a feeling) I stand alone with the way I functions. The way my thoughts are, the way I set priorities, the way people affects me etc. Whether or not I like it I still feel alone. Will the companion God is going to give fill that gap? I am very hopeful because probably thats the purpose of my loneliness feeling.

I am feeling overwhelmed by the events occurring around me, so far 2012 has been a pretty bad year. I am not even going to count the crosses God has put on top of me. If I cared less about others  I could've reduced the number of crosses a lot, Instead I tend to rather care about people I needn't be, or opinions I needn't be or situations I needn't be caring or give a shit about. Again the way I functions are different, I tend to be dreamy these days unlike a Capricorn I am. I don't like dreams, my hopes are my dreams and my plans are also becoming dreams. A life full of dreams and a personality full of imaginations could be like walking over a thin line between sanity and insanity. I need to take life much much more lightly than how I was initially taking. I don't have an year of my life to waste thinking over what I lost, or what people I care are loosing. Look forward Deepu! Looking forward, yes I am. But what if all I see are mirages like how it has been behind me. What if I am a living dream. When I look into self I feel my life is more like a short story by Jhumpa Lahiri. Each chapter gives a lot of to think about,  a  small but deep pain and an understanding sigh of helplessness.

Take care!

Swallowed In The Sea...

Just read this expression on another blog I am following, 'I have been writing in my mind for a long time'.But I never got the gut to come to my blog and write them down. Writing make me feel better about the things which I can't make sense of. 

I have been thinking about dreams. People always dream don't they. Some dreams are flying so up above that they always remain a dream. They never can be perceived as reality. But some times there is only a very thin line between reality and dream; the bubble of dream comes down and you can touch it and you are allowed to travel in and out of it. Sometimes they take you in and go up high again far from the reality. The danger being, the dream is still a soap bubble and you believe them to be reality. And the bubble breaks and you loose yourself. I need to make sure I don't go into the bubbles again. The more heart you put into something, the more you may end up being inside the bubble. When you share the bubble with some one else reality it becomes even more prone to break, but you just go on and on wandering around in the dream bubble. 

I am going home this weekend plus two days, my mom has been recuperating from an operation, she would need 3 months rest. Last time I met her she was in the hospital and was struggling to get up. This time I also need to recuperate and slowly I will dive back into reality. :) mom has been staying with my aunt after operation, I need to go bring her home tomorrow after doing some tidying up at home myself. My mom deserved a daughter more than me I guess, though she doesn't agree with me and keep saying it was me who always wanted a sister.I could have really used a sister now for both for myself and for my mom. Plans for getting a daughter for her myself is still in the dream space and is now flying much above reality. I don't want to get on to that bubble.

When you are out of a bubble you suddenly feel so close to God, probably because 'When he closes a door on me, he makes sure my fingers are in it'. However to me God is much real these days. 

Check out Swallowed In The Sea- Cold play. 

"Oh what good is it to live

With nothing left to give

Forget but not forgive

Not loving all you see

You belong with me

Not swallowed in the sea

Yeah, you belong with me

Not swallowed in the sea"

Beginning in Bangalore ...

It's going to be almost 2 months since I have come to Bangalore. It was a surprise to me though was waiting for a divine intervention like this to be able come back to India. From the first impressions and from the second impressions I am liking Bangalore. Lovely place probably I should have been here even before. I have taken a small apartment near my office and I have furnished it to my taste and I am liking that feeling of being in your home, being on your own. From here I don't know where to, probably God will continue to guide me through this life, I am sitting on the back seat of my life. Putting 100% on everything infront of me, trusting the driver knows my destination. 

I am thinking of joining Guitar classes, buying an indoor plant and an aquarium (Mean while study and get PMP certification as well :P which is being de-prioritized always, I shall do some justice to that as well as I have recently been promoted). I still haven't been able to take out my camera and go for a short trip. I would see how that goes before committing to another activity. I have always wanted to be able to do something with music. I am always jealous of musicians, I hope the one who may join me in my life know something about music. Will I be able to commit to guitar? I am trying to find answer to that before joining some where to learn. I don't want to do this just because its cool. 

Long Long Ago....

Yeah long long ago I wrote my last blog. Here I am again. Quite a lot happened in my life. Not sure which one of them should make it to here. 

I have been trying to impress people at work, by pushing my limits and keeping only positive thoughts to keep me motivated. I always say to myself that hard work pays; some times as rewards, sometimes as respect. Probably I am not very much in short of both. The understanding of that itself proves that I am on the right track about keeping my self positive. There is never a day I can reiterate attitude is success, attitude towards work, life and yourself determines where you end up. 

I read some where "Life, if well lived is long enough" can't agree more. How can we live well? Thats the question isn't it. I am thinking, every one should be thinking. There are lot of material about it online as well. Even yoga masters would be telling you how can you be a 'well being'. I think, your attitude plays a big role in helping you to be well. Your attitude towards society, people, co-workers, family, spouse, yourself; your attitude helps you find solutions to problems, also helps you be content. Highly motivated people are mostly, satisfied or viceversa and they mostly be successful. But how can a person be motivated. Its again boils down to his attitude, a person who believe hard work pays at the end will be motivated. A person who respects and love his wife will get it in return and continue to be motivated to be in a relationship. Its mostly a circle. A man who is motivated, sees results, remain motivated, sees more results, it goes on. This motivation and results could be anywhere, at family, at work or where ever you play a role. Thats how I think you can be a well being. 

A person with problems, again its his attitude only can help him. He can chose to be hopeless and go to depression, he brings down not only him but all the people around him as he is no more able to motivate himself or others around him. Otherwise, he could seek help, he could learn to fight or he could adapt. Adaptability is not that hard, may be I am underestimating problems as I never had any such a bad experiences in my life by God's grace. But still, life infront of you shouldn't be a consequence of your past. If you believe it is, then it can be altered any day to give you a new set of consequences. Life is born to survive by adaptation from the birth of universe. The whole evolution is based of adaptation. Evolution was for good I believe, so is adaptability. It is all within us.  :)

Fools Die...

I have taken the title of this blog from that of the book 'Fools Die' by Puzo. It was a different book compared to his other popular books. This book is his own personal favorite, when you read it, you will see Puzo in a different dimension, as a person who had lot more to say. The book is about the life of Merlin, who try to see magic in life.

When I read the book though I realized what Puzo was trying to tell, some recent events in life around me has made me realize that certain things can't be fixed. Acceptance of things are very difficult, it's still difficult to me. I used to deal with those things with philosophy and spirituality. Most of the times we try to see life with an attitude, when it throw shit at you; but I feel helpless at sometimes and I see life with a measured respectful smile, because thats what it deserves. I think life has to be dealt with the cleverness of a poker player, you should prove yourself to be cleverer for the tricks life is trying to play with you by being prepared and never to be caught off guard. Keep your eyes open, let your wisdom guide you, and judge and learn from every thing around you.

Leave about the fools and how dramatic life can be. Lets talk philosophy. Don't you agree 'Refusal to think is the worst sin'.So I have become a fan of 'Objectivism' of Ayn Rand. She says 'My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute.' I agree to that completely. I sound selfish don't I, yes thats the whole point. Read along in her own words quoted from here

1. Reality exists as an objective absolute—facts are facts, independent of man’s feelings, wishes, hopes or fears.
2. Reason (the faculty which identifies and integrates the material provided by man’s senses) is man’s only means of perceiving reality, his only source of knowledge, his only guide to action, and his basic means of survival.
3. Man—every man—is an end in himself, not the means to the ends of others. He must exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself. The pursuit of his own rational self-interest and of his own happiness is the highest moral purpose of his life.
4. The ideal political-economic system is laissez-faire capitalism. It is a system where men deal with one another, not as victims and executioners, nor as masters and slaves, but as traders, by free, voluntary exchange to mutual benefit. It is a system where no man may obtain any values from others by resorting to physical force, and no man may initiate the use of physical force against others. The government acts only as a policeman that protects man’s rights; it uses physical force only in retaliation and only against those who initiate its use, such as criminals or foreign invaders. In a system of full capitalism, there should be (but, historically, has not yet been) a complete separation of state and economics, in the same way and for the same reasons as the separation of state and church.

Be reasonable and accountable for everything. And you will be able to find happiness just for being that way. I hope. I want to be called 'A reasonable honest man' when I die. 

Unreasonableness..

Its been quite a while since I have blogged. I was carried away by work and some other things. Then I got a break this weekend in the shape of a long weekend. we had planned to go to Bournemouth beach and some other places around in Dorset. It was a nice experience to plan and execute a trip with 17 people with 17 opinions. I can not completely say I enjoyed executing it, but it was a different experience. But it was sad to realize that there are still people who are not willing to do some compromises for a group cause. When the group is so big we tend to loose a lot of time in waiting for others to be ready. Here also same thing happened many times, be it for getting up, or going out, or having food, people gets scattered all around and they never come back. I realised that respect for time is the most abused thing in these days. Every day we had lost at the least 4-5 hours of good time because of this I think. I was comparing this trip with the Isle of Wight and Wales trip which I planned and executed. They went on excellent because it was smaller group with 4-5 people and they were ready to stick to the plans. 

Most of the time I found myself alone for the some reason. Its not because they didn't like me (I guess) some people still thanked me for making the trip wonderful. But some didn't. Even some people I wished say thanks didn't do that. I am not a saint (yet) not to expect anything. I decided to take that responsibility because I kind of realised no one would do that and to make it good for every one including me, I need to do something. I would still do it but why I want to point this is because gratitude is one thing which is disappearing so fast from the world around me. People think a lot about or don't think at all about saying a thanks or a sorry. Some used to say they are the words which are abused so much. But now they are not used at all to be abused of. Love is always over rated and gratitude was always underrated. I kind of wish the people who are not punctual or make other people suffer say a sorry even if its without meaning sorry, it would make the person who waited or suffered gain back little self respect. It amuses me to realize how selfish people have become. Last week I asked my friend to say sorry to me and tried to explain even to a friend it matters a lot. I think I lost a friend because of that. Its such a pity that relations comes down to dust over ego. Some may argue that even I was egotist by asking for sorry. I would say I was trying to get back my hurt self respect, if I couldn't explain that to my friend then how could the world. It was for a silly thing anyway. Without respect for me or care for my self respect how can some one be my friend. The difference between ego and self respect in my opinion is that the later one is reasonable. Unreasonable people are either dumb or ignorant; or vice versa.. You can't just talk to them. Hopefully there is a reason why they are like that. but as Karl Marx said “Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.”

My humble request to all the readers is that; be reasonable for every action. Say thanks and sorry abundantly. It can change the world around you amazingly. "What goes around come around". 

"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people.” - George Bernard Shaw